How did Collegehumour create this? Not sure.
I have difficulty words. Expressing them. Conveying them. Organizing them into cohesive thoughts. Part of this stems from my long time insecurity with not being good at something, making me unwilling to ask if I am any good at anything or for help. But I have thoughts, I need to get out.
Lately, it has come to my awareness that I may in fact have a wall I put up in certain circumstances. As an extreme scorpio by all other traits, the secrecy was not one I thought I possessed. I word vomit all the time all over people, strangers, new friends, acquaintances. What I was immediately feeling I always shared. Even more so with people I fell in love with. Both platonic and romantic. I gave intimacy away freely to those I chose. But lately it has occurred to me that while my intimate love is genuine. My sharing of basic emotions and every day life with everyone, might in fact be the wall I’m putting up. Hiding in the open is the easiest way to hide? Or the saying goes something similar to that.
I was called out as a scorpio, right away by a male. A male that had genuinely consoled me the first time he saw me upset. Short but to a girl whose father never did anything made me liken to him immediately. He responding jokingly to the work attitude I put forward, and somewhat flirtatiously. I have responded similarly not sure if he is kidding around or if there is some authenticity to our subtle suggestions.
I present myself as a confident, young, attractive, funny, favored, snippety, vain girl. For various reasons of how to adapt to make people like me. Some of the interactions become genuine friendships. The people who can see through whichever traits I display, and can see the other traits I possess. The ones that make me a complete contradiction. And said male stating he was extremely observant in seeing my personality right away would suggest so.
So as I am constantly meeting and interacting at my new job, I am now aware of these things I project, I don’t think I will change much. Change takes time. And I have to decide if and what I want to change. I am also leaving most these people in a few weeks as I was hired for a new store. I will have a whole new set of people to work amicably with.
On one hand I could bring the wall down to be more honest. On the other I have lived just fine thus far, and in general the people worth knowing will see through it. But I guess I should also give the people that can’t a shot as well. I will sit on this for some time I am sure.
I live by myself, with a cat, whom my disposition for vacillates from time to time. I deleted my facebook because of its ability to make me upset for it causing me pain. I know some of this is my control. I also know myself well enough to know that it isn’t something I could over come at this time.
I am jumping now…
I have started to miss San Francisco. Mostly the time I spent with all my best friends in the city, sharing wild adventures, and the sheer beauty of the city. This should compel me to write my screenplay. Write thoughts first, then work on fiction. Baby steps. My mementos, my treasures. I see them. They remind me. I miss being surrounded by art as opposed to the film industry. I am trying to seek out the artists, musicians and weird people here. I know they exist. I just need to find them.
LA, so far you are quite fun, and I am finding all kinds of people in the film industry that are creative to work with. But I need miss the beauty and general free spirit of SF. Even the pretentious little crowd I has finally become a celebrity in right before I left.
New goals. Find free lance work, watch less shitty TV and TV in general and read more. I have two books waiting and likely will gain more. Explore more and give LA more of a chance.
Okay. Since I don’t have a facebook anymore I will post this on my other blog and perhaps email??? Not sure how to get friends to read this without facebook just yet.
It has been at least four weeks now. I feel the same agoraphobic low I seem to have settled in uncomfortably. Of course I have forced activities upon myself and I have wonderful roommates. All the same, it has been some time since I have felt the activity within me to produce.
I received some heart breaking news, and while I spent a day of consolation with friends, I made a spontaneous decision to go see a show in Seattle. With very little money and a very long bus ride with creeps. At any rate. You can make a mini vacation happen if you are quite thrifty.
Bon Iver, was amazing. Truly beautiful emotionally stirring music, and with the most wonderful blue designed light show. They didn’t play my favorite song. Which I anticipated as it was off a compilation cd and not one of their albums. Can’t win them all. But the show needless to say was worth two nights of fitful sleep on a bus.
I was blessed with a sunny day in Seattle in my one day I got to run around. I walked all over Capitol Hill. Eating Dick’s Burgers of course. Enjoying actual thrifty thrift stores. I finally found plain black 2 inch pumps that are comfortable. With white socks on I feel like alice in wonderland. And as I wore them around the city I really did feel as if I was wandering in an exotic land. I remember how much I loved this city and how beautiful it was.
I found the bar I loved best had closed, and in it’s place a very large Gay bar. Which I’m not opposed to whatsoever. But 2$ pitchers and fousball tables in one bar are hard to come by and I definitely was sad to see that it was gone. With my dive missing I went on a hunt to another one and found a cute bird to flirt with. As I read my books and drank my beer killing time enjoying the extended sunlight so far north. I was joined by the couple who were kind enough to host me. We wandered another bar before they called it in to sleep.
I wandered over to my bird who agreed to fly around with me to his haunts in the nearby neighborhood. And while I lived in his world a little, I even sang a little. A flyer I had picked up earlier in the day had turned out to be the same Kareoke bar we had found ourselves in.
So as last call was stated and my stomach was not pleased with my choice of nothing but beer and one lemon drop. We headed over to his nest and sat on his porch which had a stunning view of the city. Extremely close to the apartment I occupied my last stay in Seattle several years ago. As I stared at the downtown skyline and the Needle to the far right, I felt truly in beauty and alive.
It was in a fitful dismay I left the next day. En route home I realized how unsettled I was. How I had lost some life in this city and how I craved that feeling of embarking on an adventure. Whatever the adventure may be I’m not sure. But I feel a strong wind blowing. And I go where the wind takes me. It is a huge gamble following your instincts and gut as opposed to your rational thinking. But I would live my life no other way.
SCOOTIN (by TAEERMM)
This is this short scooter documentary I was in. I apologize. In my natural habitat I curse a lot.
Almost as cool as the waterslide one. Definitely best non water bounce house. I definitely need this. When I’m famous and baller. =)
Death Cab for Cutie - You Are A Tourist [Official Video] (by DCFCtv)
Hi. Yes. This video is awesome. Um, pretty much led christmas lights, light up suits, and dancers with feathers on their heads AMAZING. Also the video start with him walking through an icy cave. Reference to fight club methinks?
The new album codes and keys has already carved a special place in my heart amongst the rest of their music. Ben Gibbard. I love you. I don’t know how but your catchy feel good/feel bad music makes me smile. And sometimes cry.
Death Cab For Cutie is playing the Fillmore this Thursday, I have yet to buy tickets to the sold out show. But I am absolutely finding a way in.
Aaron Axelson. I LOVE YOU. Ben Gibbard (and I think maybe Chris Walla) are DJing popscene!!!!
So then I will get to dance for Benjamin Gibbard as well!!!
Of course the questions begs. What the fuck is Ben Gibbard going to play. Naturally we all want in our hearts to hear some kind of postal service remix of ANY sort. But I will take whatever he dishes.
Unfortunately popscene will be packed grrr. Which means not prime dancing space. I am considering stealing a platform from the side and dancing on that.
Attention Diva? NOOOOO.
I just love dancing baybee.
Now back to self promoting!
So it was Marilyn Monroe’s birthday. My friend Nico Monroe aspiring photographer loves Marilyn Monroe. So we decided to recreate one of her infamous photo shoots on the beach with the umbrella. Apparently i have a posting limit so this will be a few posts. Feel free to leave feedback on which ones you like, and or feel would be commercially attractive and should make it into the portfolio. ENJOY!
Random Thoughts: I have noticed a recent trend among the hipster ladies in the bars as of late. They have chosen to start drinking martinis. This is an obvious step up in classiness compared to the previous PBR, Tecate, and other cheap 50 cent beer. I think it is quite interesting to see this change. It seems to come along with a classier step up in wardrobe and this I approve of. Now if only they could admit they like the fancy clothes instead of maintaining this facade of disapproval of materialism. At any rate. A martini go spilled on me last night. I could never drink martinis as I could never pretend I could hold a martini glass without being a hot mess. Besides I’m old school. I’ll kick with my classy red wine thank you. I advise you do the same!